Monday, May 13, 2013

why you don't like Mothers' Day

Wow! Mothers' Day causes such tumult in my heart and mind that it makes me shake my head just thinking about it. It causes so much turmoil that my kids and Hubby believe that I don't like Mothers' Day. In reality, I do like Mothers' Day. I even like the idea of having a day off and feeling special. I just don't like saying what I want or making decisions because that's selfish. Right? (Bring on the inner battle!)

I have never wanted to be selfish or appear selfish to others (which in my mind means wanting anything for myself, even if it's something I need). Being raised to believe the right order is Jesus Others Yourself, anything that seems remotely "out of order" causes me to turn into a not so nice person. (I even struggle with the Scripture that says to love others as yourself because that means I am supposed to love myself. How can I love myself without being selfish?)

So around Mothers' Day; I can go from happy, to crying, to angry and back again all in a matter of minutes. Matter of fact my inner battle with being "selfish"  is so bad that Hubby and the kids take cover from the possible "tornado" that could occur at any moment multiple times a day. 

Honestly, when I think of Mothers' Day, it brings a smile to my face. Celebrating my mom, my mother-in-law, my sister, all the moms in my life gives me a lot of joy. I think of ways to thank them or gifts I can give. So why don't I like Mothers' Day?! I can't fathom others celebrating me. Isn't it selfish to ask others to be happy I'm in their lives; that I'm their mom? Isn't it selfish to want to feel special and extremely selfish to act on that desire?

I know this probably seems silly and absurd, but I really do struggle with this, so much that I inadvertently sabotage and ruin Mothers' Day. Because of my inner battle, I make Hubby and kids miserable and the whole day turns into a nightmare. I always regret my actions and behaviors. I never want to make my kids feel horrible, especially on a holiday.

This Mothers' Day can probably go on the calendar as one of the worst ones for my family so far. Not because anyone was sick or injured, but because my kids'  mommy (me) turned her inner battle with wanting to feel special but not wanting to be selfish into an outward war. So after a tumultuous morning and early afternoon I finally decided to try doing something I wanted to do. I took the kids outside (which is always a bit risky with my health) and watched them play. I even joined in on the playing a little bit. I really enjoyed watching Hubby throwing the frisbee with Super Boy and giving the kids wagon rides and even helping Nugget "kick" the ball around. Even though I couldn't do much to play with them, it felt great to watch them play and make memories. As supper time neared, I took a big step. I decided what I wanted for supper and instead of following my usual behavior and wait for Hubby to read my mind or make a decision of what we should eat, I took Nugget with me and picked up dinner of my choosing. Then I even decided what we should do for the rest of the evening and stuck with my desires! I almost never do this.

The second half of our day was pretty cool and remarkably different from the first half. I ended up actually feeling good after I made a decision and did what I wanted to do. I didn't feel out of line or terribly selfish either. I hope I can keep this up. I really don't want my kids growing up to think they can't ever do anything  nice for themselves. 


 

1 comment:

  1. I understand. I TOTALLY understand. I don't always like Mother's Day either, but it's because I don't have my mom to celebrate anymore. This year we were driving home, and we took the scenic route home. It was so nice, not being rushed, taking our time. It wasn't about being "Mommy," but more about being "family."

    Hang in there. We'll figure it out someday. ;)

    Hugs,
    Melinda

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