To go back a little, I got a pretty big surprise earlier this week. A dear friend told me that when they saw me on Sunday morning, they saw anger. I haven't been told that before, but he was right. I.AM.ANGRY! On Sunday I was angry that I was stuck in a wheelchair. I'm angry that I always have to use some sort of walking device to get around. Angry that I am not the mom I always dreamed of being. Angry that I'm not the wife I want to be or that my sweet husband deserves. Then I realized from where all this anger comes. This anger I have, is deep seeded in fear. Fear that I am not the mother my children deserve. Fear that I am not the wife my husband deserves. Fear that I am not doing enough, being enough, strong enough...
I have fear of the future and for what it holds. How much sicker will I become? How much more disabled?
But the fear that causes the most anger, is the uncertainty of my children's future. Each of my children has a 50% of having EDS and one of them has already been diagnosed. I wouldn't trade any of my children or choose not to have them, but it breaks my heart to think they could end up chronically ill. As I was explaining to my children this morning that I wasn't contagious, it's my EDS acting up; my little girl looked at me and asked with fear making her voice tremble, "Is that going to happen to me too?"
It is my job to teach her how to have courage and faith in the One who DOES see the big picture even though we don't. So I hugged her and held her and told her that I get scared too.
You see during all the yuckiness this morning, I was on Facebook. On my page I found several reminders to have faith and hope, and above all to not be afraid! I was able to share some of these with her.
This is the video I showed her. http://m.wimp.com/fear-dance-routine-magic-costume-mahomet-seymour/ I don't know how much of this video she'll remember, but even if all she remembers is living in fear is darkness and living in faith with hope and courage brings light; I'll take it!
There is even more that was shared with me this morning, reminding me to not be afraid and thank God for the storm, because our storms (and how we handle them) may be blessing others. God has been sending me a message today, that I wanted to share with you. "Be not afraid!"