real love

Love and seeking first the Kingdom have become my focus this year and what the kids and I have been learning about. It has been both an eye opening and humbling experience. I have known for a long time that I am not the mom or wife that I had always hoped to be, as I have allowed resentment and bitterness to come in and rule my actions more often than they should. I am finding hope that I can turn all that around and begin to show my family "real love."

For this post I want to speak more to marital love. My first step in learning about love and loving my husband was reading Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. WOW! It made me really look at myself and be honest with who I am and what my love language is (even though it's not what I expected or wanted). It also opened my eyes to what my hubby's love language is and how best to love him. Even with learning all that, I can say with 100% conviction that love is a choice. You have to choose to love your spouse in the way that he/she speaks love. It isn't always easy, but it works.

Whether your marriage is great or on the rocks, in the newlywed stage or going on 50 years; I truly believe that studying the five love languages can help your relationship. For anyone who has been in a long relationship knows that there are times when you just don't have that "loving feeling". Your spouse has done something or said something that hurt your feelings and you don't want to show him/her your love because your hurt and angry, but that may be one of the best times to show your love and open the lines of communication. So often marriages are ending because of bitterness and resentment due to a lack of communication and love. It's not really that the two people don't love each other, but that they didn't speak each others' love languages or they didn't take the time to "really love" each other.

Low self-esteem and self-image is prevalent in our society. It is super difficult to love someone who is negative and doesn't like him/herself, but that's when love is needed the most. It won't be easy, because you won't feel like doing it, but is sure will mean the world to your spouse! They will know that when they were at their ugliest and most unlovable, you loved them anyway. Loving each other in the appropriate love language will bring out the best in that person.

It can also be harmful to a marriage for one person to not allow his/her spouse to show them love. When your spouse asks you what they can do for you, and you say nothing or ignore the question, it doesn't help no matter your reasons. You may think that you are lightening the load by not putting something else on the to-do list, but in reality it puts a barrier between you and your spouse. In a way it's like saying, "Even if I told you how to love me, it wouldn't be good enough." Not really a marriage enhancing statement. 

Another reason a spouse may do this is because he/she doesn't feel worthy to accept love. Keep trying and keep asking, the more you love your spouse, the more worthy they'll feel of that love. The more you accept your spouse's love, the more worthy your spouse will feel too. His/her love will be good enough for you, so maybe he/she is good enough for your love.

Marriage is work. I believe that marriages can be saved and can be great. No matter where you are in your marriage relationship or if your engaged and about to enter the marriage covenant, reading this book can be invaluable and make your marriage better than ever.

Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: hoe to express heartfelt commitment to your mate

Frugal, but fun date nights

 Before I begin this post, let me be candid for a moment. My husband is a hard working man. He has a good job and finds joy in the fact that his jobs ultimately helps children. We know what it is to struggle financially. I can not work due to disability and choose to take the opportunity to homeschool our kids. Our kids have some health needs and have doctors' and therapy appointments on a regular basis. I have numerous medical bills due to tests and hospital stays that are all part of the process of discovering exactly what is causing my disability. This is not meant as a complaint or woe is me moment, but rather background for this blog post.

This year, I have decided to put my marriage at the top of my priority list.  One thing that I decided to try to do this year is have a date night once a month. That's not always an easy task when you live on a shoestring budget. With Valentines' Day this past weekend and our wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks, I am thinking creatively so that we can make it all work. It can be disappointing when we look at our budget, and there simply isn't the money there to go to dinner at a sit-down restaurant or see a movie or play. In my preparation and planning for our anniversary, I've come up with different ideas that would be both fun and frugal. I can also save whatever we don't do for our anniversary for another date night this year.

Here are some of the ideas I've come up with:

• Make your spouse's favorite dinner and ask each other questions about dreams or goals for the year. (The key here is to really listen and not laugh at your spouse's dreams or goals no matter how unrealistic they may seem. Your spouse will respect and love your willingness to let him/her dream and join in on the dream.)
• Find a special deal at a restaurant that you can afford and go out to dinner. If you enjoy dressing up, do it! 
•  Pretend that you're on a cruise ship or vacation. After dinner go somewhere and keep pretending that you're visitors there. You may find that looking around as if you're a visitor/tourist that you see things you haven't noticed before.
• If you prefer to stay home, pick up a few groceries and make dinner together. Watch a movie you haven't seen in a while or one you have never seen at all. Just spend some time snuggling or laughing together.
• Even though money may be tight, it can be fun to go to one of your favorite stores and window shop. DH and I enjoy going to home improvement stores and looking at items that we hope to put in our dream house one day.
• Board games can be a great way to fun. Change up the rules a bit and make an old game, new again.
• If gifts are important to your and/or your spouse, try making him/her something special. A favorite cookie or dessert can be just as special as a store bought gift. If you sew, crochet, knit, paint, write, make him/her something that shows you really know what your spouse likes. Or make him/her something that would be meaningful for years to come, a calendar of the kids' pictures or a collage of memorable moments. 
• Go for a walk.  One of my favorite memories with DH is walking barefoot around the plaza. We can't do it anymore, but I'm sure it's something I won't ever forget.
• Watching a movie at a theater can be quite expensive, consider renting a movie from the Redbox or borrowing one from the library. Another option is attending the second run ($1) theater.
• If you enjoy spending time with other couples, consider hosting a snack food pot-luck game night. It could be with just one other couple or several. Everyone brings some snack foods and a favorite board game to play. Just be sure to not be so busy hosting that you don't join in the fun.
• Finding a babysitter can often make date night difficult. We live close to family and they often help us out with free babysitting. (It's a win -win because DH and I can have a date, and the grandparents/aunts & uncles get to spend time with the kids.) If family babysitting is not an option for you, consider having babysitting partners. Your "partners" watch your kids one evening/weekend and you watch their kids another evening or weekend that month. Your kids will enjoy getting to spend so much time with their friends and the adults will enjoy having an evening off to spend together.
• Sometimes going out or finding a babysitter just isn't possible. Try to find an evening that you both can stay up "late" and spend some time together doing something you both enjoy (watch a television show or movie, play a game, or talk).

It can be disappointing when you want to take your spouse out on a date, but it's not fiscally responsible.  Take a few minutes to think about why you married him/her. What are five of your favorites characteristics in your spouse? What are some of your favorite memories? Use the answers to these questions to help you plan a fun and frugal date night. Don't be afraid to be creative or have the night not go exactly as you planned. Just try to positive and have fun with the love of your life. It will make a lasting memory and help your marriage be stronger.

Our anniversary date last year. A local restaurant had a special for dinner, and we went window shopping after. Some friends watched our kids for us. We saved money and had a nice time together. (Unfortunately, I'm on my phone listening to a voice mail from a family member.)

A poem "Struggle"

Sometimes I find it hard to breathe.
The world closing in around me.
Icy fingers reaching out to grab hold
Of whatever joy I have left.

Where is the hope I need?
Where are the answers?
Why does it seem when things are finally better
It was just a lie?

Can I find my hope in God?
Can I give Him my heart?
Will I trust Him to do what is best for
My family and for me?

I know that I should be faithful.
Miracles I see each day,
People whose lives have been saved
Because of God's mercy.

No, I cannot doubt His existence.
I cannot doubt His amazing power.
But some days, I feel alone
And wish I could see His mercy for me.

forgiveness

Today I'm finding myself in a different place than where I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was hurting and angry. I found myself in a place I hadn't been in a long time, depressed. Not in a depression, but depressed. I had put myself in a vulnerable position and felt hurt by the response. So, yesterday, I found myself obsessing over the decision I made, obsessing over the response I was given, and literally crying myself to sleep with a stomachache at 2:00 in the afternoon.

After hours of feeling angry and betrayed, pushing away everyone because I was wallowing in my own self pity and dreading at what the future may hold; it finally occurred to me that I couldn't handle this situation on my own. Even though talking to someone else about the situation was not a wise idea, I could talk to God because He already knew all the details and could give me the best guidance and wisdom.

It took me longer than I like, but eventually I started to put aside my pride and became more open to hearing the reasons for the response I was given. I still don't know what the future holds for this particular situation; but I do know that as long as I dwell on the feelings of disappointment and humiliation, the relationship I have with this person will be damaged. I have to forgive. Whether the responder intended to hurt me or not, I must forgive. And not just the other person, but myself too.

Forgiveness can be very difficult. For a deep hurt or repeated hurts, it may take a long time; but God knows that not forgiving others can cause a life time of pain, regret, and loneliness. He doesn't want that for His children.
 
When we can't find it in ourselves to forgive, God can guide us on how to do it. I may not have been ready yesterday, but I'm much more willing today to talk it through and find a path to forgiveness.

 

when I feel alone.

Feeling alone is inevitable. It happens to everyone no matter how popular you are or many friends you have, sometimes you feel completely alone. When I'm going through those times I desperately want someone to share my feelings with, but I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings or my negativity. My husband is a great "fixer", but sometimes there isn't a fix to be had (or the fix is overly complicated), and we both end up frustrated. It's during these difficulties that I am reminded that I'm not really alone. Even though I can't see Him or touch Him, God is with me. If I ask, I can feel His Spirit in my heart and hear his soft whisper in my mind reminding me that I'm not really alone.

If God knows every grain of sand and each hair on my head (and everyone else's head too), then I know He is with me. He know my heart, my loneliness, and sadness. 

"Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall to the ground without your Father knoweth it.   

And the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not, therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:26-27 

As with everything, these feelings come and go and sometimes they are with me longer than I would like, but there's the reminder that if I never go through the valleys; I can't truly appreciate the mountains. So my prayer for you today is the reminder that in our loneliest moments, our darkest nights, and deepest valleys; we are never truly alone.

how God helps me when I am weak

Growing up, I sang the song, "Jesus Loves Me" all the time until I got to an age where you just stop singing it because it's a "little kid song." Then I started singing it again to my children. Singing it as an adult, I've found that I should have never outgrown the song.

I figured a lot of people grew up singing it the way my sister and I did until I started singing it to my kids and my husband stumbled on the words. No, not everyone grew up singing it the same way. Here are words I learned,

Jesus love me, this I know

For the Scriptures tell me so.Little ones to Him belong

They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

The Scriptures tell me so.

Jesus loves me when I'm goodWhen I do the things I should.

Jesus loves me when I'm bad

Even though it makes Him sad.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

The Scriptures tell me so.

When I was little, I remember imagining a stick figure of a person next to a full picture of Christ for the line, "They are weak, but He is strong." I was the stick figure, small and fragile compared to the strong, carpenter standing next to me. In weakness I would imagine the stick figure falling and scraping a knee, and Christ coming over to pick me up and carry me.

When I was teenager, my weaknesses weren't so much physical as emotional. I was broken and in desperate need of strength. God's strength. I definitely couldn't make it through the turmoil on my own. During that I time, I found amazing comfort in camp songs and hymns that I had grown up singing. Occasionally I would even allow myself the comfort  from "Jesus Loves Me."

The older I become, the more I see how God has worked in my life, in others' lives, and all the ways He is attempting to work in mine and others' lives now. 

Sometimes God is just there for us, like we are for our kids. We see them shivering and we hand them a blanket or we put our arm around them when they're crying. Other times, He waits for us to ask Him. Like when the kids are working on their school work; it's best to let them try and ask if they need assistance. God is the ultimate parent, and He will guide us and help make us strong where we are weak. He is also our strength when we feel like we cannot go any farther. 

There are times when God has sent His Spirit to give me assurance and strength, and there are also times when He has sent a person to help me. I haven't always understood that people could be "messengers" for God. A phone call, letter, or smile could be little messages of strength. In our world of social media, those messages can come as a picture on Facebook or a Scripture shared on Twitter. We don't always know how God will make us strong, or if He's waiting for us to call out to Him and ask. But the promise is there.

God's will

I must admit that whenever I hear people talking about God's will I inwardly cringe. Not because I don't believe in God's will, but I do believe that God is blamed for many, many things under the guise of it being God's will. Have you ever noticed that when something good happens in our lives we toot our own horn about the choices we made, but when something bad happens it was God's will.

We've all heard it; when someone we know becomes ill, or someone dies, or loses their job or their house; it is often said that it must be God's will. But don't worry, where God closes a door, He opens a window. (An encouraging way to remind someone to look for the silver lining in their current storm.) I beg to differ. God is all powerful and can truly do anything He wants to do, but God is also righteous. His decisions are beyond our understanding, but we have to remember that He gave us agency. Sometimes our outcomes are because of our own choices, not because God wills for these things to happen. 

Maybe blaming things on God's will gives us some measure of comfort, because then it's not our fault that these bad things have happened. It was God's will and He will helps us through it. It is definitely true that God will help us if we ask and trust Him, but blaming everything on God's will can ultimately turn people away from God. It can appear that since God's in charge of everything and we have nothing to do with what happens, He must just be unfair or play favorites. Therefore some people would rather not believe in God than believe in an unfair God.

To me, saying everything is God's will is like blaming the car for running out of gas. The car gave all the signs that it was low on fuel. The odometer showed that it was time to refuel, the fuel gage was on empty, the low fuel light came on, and the bell dinged; yet the driver chose to ignore every sign and continue driving without refueling. Most of us would look at that driver and shake our heads as he/she blamed the car for running out of gas. Obviously, it wasn't the car's fault. Yet, when it comes to our own lives, we're quick to blame things on God's will and ignore our own part in the situation.

Now there are times when circumstances are beyond our control, but that still doesn't mean it was God's will. For instance, when Hostess closed and thousands of employees were left without jobs the conflict was between the board and the bakers' union. Unfortunately they weren't the only ones who lost their jobs. Many, many other employees suffered too. Sometimes our circumstances are due to someone else's choices. That still doesn't make it God's will.

Lastly, sometimes it is  God's will. (James it talks about this in the New Testament.) But I think far more often, our situations are due to people's choices. Be it our own choices or the choices of others. The greatest part in all this, is that no matter the "why", God is willing to be there for us; always! That's the kind of God's will I do like to talk about.