I think one of the hardest things in life is learning how to love others. Especially loving someone who you feel is rejecting you. It could be that the person is rejecting you, or that he/she simply doesn't understand how to love you so you feel rejected. It still makes it hard to have a relationship with that person.
Trying hard to love someone, to reach out, and be regularly rejected is heartbreaking. We've all been there, and in many cases you can just walk away. The person rejecting you is a co-worker, a neighbor, or distant relative, someone that you can be cordial to without having to spend a lot of time and energy on speaking his/her love language. That's not to say that you aren't friendly, but that you won't spend the same time and energy on that person as you do on a family member, an in-law, or a good friend who is going through a difficult time.
When loving someone feels like it is getting you no where, you have to just keep on showing love. The hope is, that eventually he/she will accept your love and show you love too. That the person you're loving will choose to speak your love language and make the relationship a priority. That won't always happen though. Love is a choice, and sometimes people just choose to not love or not to show love. The person may love you, but can't (for different reasons) speak your love language. In some cases, the person refuses to speak your love language. When someone chooses to not speak your love language, it's tempting to give up on that relationship. It's easy to give up, and the world says that it's okay. Walk away, get a divorce, disown the child, get the negativity out of your life, you have better things to do with your time. It's harder, but it's worth it to keep loving him/her. Keep speaking his/her love language. Show that the relationship is important to you. Make that person a priority. Hopefully the other person in this relationship will stop rejecting you.
Occasionally a change happens right away, but more often than not it will take months and sometimes years. For whatever reason, the other person in the relationship is struggling to love you. Maybe it's because of past pain or hurt, maybe the person hasn't felt love from you for a long time and it will take just as much time before he/she feels you can be trusted with love, maybe the person thinks he/she is loving you and doesn't realize you feel rejected and unloved. Whatever the reasons, if this relationship is truly important, don't give up on it. Try loving. Read books about love and how to love, read articles, learn, truly make it a priority. Sometimes people reject others because his/her own love tank is empty. Loving that person can help fill that tank and allow him/her to have more love to give.
Remember that if you wouldn't want that person to give up on you, then don't you give up on him/her.
Showing posts with label love languages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love languages. Show all posts
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
real love
Love and seeking first the Kingdom have become my focus this year and what the kids and I have been learning about. It has been both an eye opening and humbling experience. I have known for a long time that I am not the mom or wife that I had always hoped to be, as I have allowed resentment and bitterness to come in and rule my actions more often than they should. I am finding hope that I can turn all that around and begin to show my family "real love."
For this post I want to speak more to marital love. My first step in learning about love and loving my husband was reading Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. WOW! It made me really look at myself and be honest with who I am and what my love language is (even though it's not what I expected or wanted). It also opened my eyes to what my hubby's love language is and how best to love him. Even with learning all that, I can say with 100% conviction that love is a choice. You have to choose to love your spouse in the way that he/she speaks love. It isn't always easy, but it works.
Whether your marriage is great or on the rocks, in the newlywed stage or going on 50 years; I truly believe that studying the five love languages can help your relationship. For anyone who has been in a long relationship knows that there are times when you just don't have that "loving feeling". Your spouse has done something or said something that hurt your feelings and you don't want to show him/her your love because your hurt and angry, but that may be one of the best times to show your love and open the lines of communication. So often marriages are ending because of bitterness and resentment due to a lack of communication and love. It's not really that the two people don't love each other, but that they didn't speak each others' love languages or they didn't take the time to "really love" each other.
Low self-esteem and self-image is prevalent in our society. It is super difficult to love someone who is negative and doesn't like him/herself, but that's when love is needed the most. It won't be easy, because you won't feel like doing it, but is sure will mean the world to your spouse! They will know that when they were at their ugliest and most unlovable, you loved them anyway. Loving each other in the appropriate love language will bring out the best in that person.
It can also be harmful to a marriage for one person to not allow his/her spouse to show them love. When your spouse asks you what they can do for you, and you say nothing or ignore the question, it doesn't help no matter your reasons. You may think that you are lightening the load by not putting something else on the to-do list, but in reality it puts a barrier between you and your spouse. In a way it's like saying, "Even if I told you how to love me, it wouldn't be good enough." Not really a marriage enhancing statement.
Another reason a spouse may do this is because he/she doesn't feel worthy to accept love. Keep trying and keep asking, the more you love your spouse, the more worthy they'll feel of that love. The more you accept your spouse's love, the more worthy your spouse will feel too. His/her love will be good enough for you, so maybe he/she is good enough for your love.
Marriage is work. I believe that marriages can be saved and can be great. No matter where you are in your marriage relationship or if your engaged and about to enter the marriage covenant, reading this book can be invaluable and make your marriage better than ever.
Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: hoe to express heartfelt commitment to your mate
For this post I want to speak more to marital love. My first step in learning about love and loving my husband was reading Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. WOW! It made me really look at myself and be honest with who I am and what my love language is (even though it's not what I expected or wanted). It also opened my eyes to what my hubby's love language is and how best to love him. Even with learning all that, I can say with 100% conviction that love is a choice. You have to choose to love your spouse in the way that he/she speaks love. It isn't always easy, but it works.
Whether your marriage is great or on the rocks, in the newlywed stage or going on 50 years; I truly believe that studying the five love languages can help your relationship. For anyone who has been in a long relationship knows that there are times when you just don't have that "loving feeling". Your spouse has done something or said something that hurt your feelings and you don't want to show him/her your love because your hurt and angry, but that may be one of the best times to show your love and open the lines of communication. So often marriages are ending because of bitterness and resentment due to a lack of communication and love. It's not really that the two people don't love each other, but that they didn't speak each others' love languages or they didn't take the time to "really love" each other.
Low self-esteem and self-image is prevalent in our society. It is super difficult to love someone who is negative and doesn't like him/herself, but that's when love is needed the most. It won't be easy, because you won't feel like doing it, but is sure will mean the world to your spouse! They will know that when they were at their ugliest and most unlovable, you loved them anyway. Loving each other in the appropriate love language will bring out the best in that person.
It can also be harmful to a marriage for one person to not allow his/her spouse to show them love. When your spouse asks you what they can do for you, and you say nothing or ignore the question, it doesn't help no matter your reasons. You may think that you are lightening the load by not putting something else on the to-do list, but in reality it puts a barrier between you and your spouse. In a way it's like saying, "Even if I told you how to love me, it wouldn't be good enough." Not really a marriage enhancing statement.
Another reason a spouse may do this is because he/she doesn't feel worthy to accept love. Keep trying and keep asking, the more you love your spouse, the more worthy they'll feel of that love. The more you accept your spouse's love, the more worthy your spouse will feel too. His/her love will be good enough for you, so maybe he/she is good enough for your love.
Marriage is work. I believe that marriages can be saved and can be great. No matter where you are in your marriage relationship or if your engaged and about to enter the marriage covenant, reading this book can be invaluable and make your marriage better than ever.
Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: hoe to express heartfelt commitment to your mate
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