real love

Love and seeking first the Kingdom have become my focus this year and what the kids and I have been learning about. It has been both an eye opening and humbling experience. I have known for a long time that I am not the mom or wife that I had always hoped to be, as I have allowed resentment and bitterness to come in and rule my actions more often than they should. I am finding hope that I can turn all that around and begin to show my family "real love."

For this post I want to speak more to marital love. My first step in learning about love and loving my husband was reading Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. WOW! It made me really look at myself and be honest with who I am and what my love language is (even though it's not what I expected or wanted). It also opened my eyes to what my hubby's love language is and how best to love him. Even with learning all that, I can say with 100% conviction that love is a choice. You have to choose to love your spouse in the way that he/she speaks love. It isn't always easy, but it works.

Whether your marriage is great or on the rocks, in the newlywed stage or going on 50 years; I truly believe that studying the five love languages can help your relationship. For anyone who has been in a long relationship knows that there are times when you just don't have that "loving feeling". Your spouse has done something or said something that hurt your feelings and you don't want to show him/her your love because your hurt and angry, but that may be one of the best times to show your love and open the lines of communication. So often marriages are ending because of bitterness and resentment due to a lack of communication and love. It's not really that the two people don't love each other, but that they didn't speak each others' love languages or they didn't take the time to "really love" each other.

Low self-esteem and self-image is prevalent in our society. It is super difficult to love someone who is negative and doesn't like him/herself, but that's when love is needed the most. It won't be easy, because you won't feel like doing it, but is sure will mean the world to your spouse! They will know that when they were at their ugliest and most unlovable, you loved them anyway. Loving each other in the appropriate love language will bring out the best in that person.

It can also be harmful to a marriage for one person to not allow his/her spouse to show them love. When your spouse asks you what they can do for you, and you say nothing or ignore the question, it doesn't help no matter your reasons. You may think that you are lightening the load by not putting something else on the to-do list, but in reality it puts a barrier between you and your spouse. In a way it's like saying, "Even if I told you how to love me, it wouldn't be good enough." Not really a marriage enhancing statement. 

Another reason a spouse may do this is because he/she doesn't feel worthy to accept love. Keep trying and keep asking, the more you love your spouse, the more worthy they'll feel of that love. The more you accept your spouse's love, the more worthy your spouse will feel too. His/her love will be good enough for you, so maybe he/she is good enough for your love.

Marriage is work. I believe that marriages can be saved and can be great. No matter where you are in your marriage relationship or if your engaged and about to enter the marriage covenant, reading this book can be invaluable and make your marriage better than ever.

Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: hoe to express heartfelt commitment to your mate

Frugal, but fun date nights

 Before I begin this post, let me be candid for a moment. My husband is a hard working man. He has a good job and finds joy in the fact that his jobs ultimately helps children. We know what it is to struggle financially. I can not work due to disability and choose to take the opportunity to homeschool our kids. Our kids have some health needs and have doctors' and therapy appointments on a regular basis. I have numerous medical bills due to tests and hospital stays that are all part of the process of discovering exactly what is causing my disability. This is not meant as a complaint or woe is me moment, but rather background for this blog post.

This year, I have decided to put my marriage at the top of my priority list.  One thing that I decided to try to do this year is have a date night once a month. That's not always an easy task when you live on a shoestring budget. With Valentines' Day this past weekend and our wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks, I am thinking creatively so that we can make it all work. It can be disappointing when we look at our budget, and there simply isn't the money there to go to dinner at a sit-down restaurant or see a movie or play. In my preparation and planning for our anniversary, I've come up with different ideas that would be both fun and frugal. I can also save whatever we don't do for our anniversary for another date night this year.

Here are some of the ideas I've come up with:

• Make your spouse's favorite dinner and ask each other questions about dreams or goals for the year. (The key here is to really listen and not laugh at your spouse's dreams or goals no matter how unrealistic they may seem. Your spouse will respect and love your willingness to let him/her dream and join in on the dream.)
• Find a special deal at a restaurant that you can afford and go out to dinner. If you enjoy dressing up, do it! 
•  Pretend that you're on a cruise ship or vacation. After dinner go somewhere and keep pretending that you're visitors there. You may find that looking around as if you're a visitor/tourist that you see things you haven't noticed before.
• If you prefer to stay home, pick up a few groceries and make dinner together. Watch a movie you haven't seen in a while or one you have never seen at all. Just spend some time snuggling or laughing together.
• Even though money may be tight, it can be fun to go to one of your favorite stores and window shop. DH and I enjoy going to home improvement stores and looking at items that we hope to put in our dream house one day.
• Board games can be a great way to fun. Change up the rules a bit and make an old game, new again.
• If gifts are important to your and/or your spouse, try making him/her something special. A favorite cookie or dessert can be just as special as a store bought gift. If you sew, crochet, knit, paint, write, make him/her something that shows you really know what your spouse likes. Or make him/her something that would be meaningful for years to come, a calendar of the kids' pictures or a collage of memorable moments. 
• Go for a walk.  One of my favorite memories with DH is walking barefoot around the plaza. We can't do it anymore, but I'm sure it's something I won't ever forget.
• Watching a movie at a theater can be quite expensive, consider renting a movie from the Redbox or borrowing one from the library. Another option is attending the second run ($1) theater.
• If you enjoy spending time with other couples, consider hosting a snack food pot-luck game night. It could be with just one other couple or several. Everyone brings some snack foods and a favorite board game to play. Just be sure to not be so busy hosting that you don't join in the fun.
• Finding a babysitter can often make date night difficult. We live close to family and they often help us out with free babysitting. (It's a win -win because DH and I can have a date, and the grandparents/aunts & uncles get to spend time with the kids.) If family babysitting is not an option for you, consider having babysitting partners. Your "partners" watch your kids one evening/weekend and you watch their kids another evening or weekend that month. Your kids will enjoy getting to spend so much time with their friends and the adults will enjoy having an evening off to spend together.
• Sometimes going out or finding a babysitter just isn't possible. Try to find an evening that you both can stay up "late" and spend some time together doing something you both enjoy (watch a television show or movie, play a game, or talk).

It can be disappointing when you want to take your spouse out on a date, but it's not fiscally responsible.  Take a few minutes to think about why you married him/her. What are five of your favorites characteristics in your spouse? What are some of your favorite memories? Use the answers to these questions to help you plan a fun and frugal date night. Don't be afraid to be creative or have the night not go exactly as you planned. Just try to positive and have fun with the love of your life. It will make a lasting memory and help your marriage be stronger.

Our anniversary date last year. A local restaurant had a special for dinner, and we went window shopping after. Some friends watched our kids for us. We saved money and had a nice time together. (Unfortunately, I'm on my phone listening to a voice mail from a family member.)

why you don't like Mothers' Day

Wow! Mothers' Day causes such tumult in my heart and mind that it makes me shake my head just thinking about it. It causes so much turmoil that my kids and Hubby believe that I don't like Mothers' Day. In reality, I do like Mothers' Day. I even like the idea of having a day off and feeling special. I just don't like saying what I want or making decisions because that's selfish. Right? (Bring on the inner battle!)

I have never wanted to be selfish or appear selfish to others (which in my mind means wanting anything for myself, even if it's something I need). Being raised to believe the right order is Jesus Others Yourself, anything that seems remotely "out of order" causes me to turn into a not so nice person. (I even struggle with the Scripture that says to love others as yourself because that means I am supposed to love myself. How can I love myself without being selfish?)

So around Mothers' Day; I can go from happy, to crying, to angry and back again all in a matter of minutes. Matter of fact my inner battle with being "selfish"  is so bad that Hubby and the kids take cover from the possible "tornado" that could occur at any moment multiple times a day. 

Honestly, when I think of Mothers' Day, it brings a smile to my face. Celebrating my mom, my mother-in-law, my sister, all the moms in my life gives me a lot of joy. I think of ways to thank them or gifts I can give. So why don't I like Mothers' Day?! I can't fathom others celebrating me. Isn't it selfish to ask others to be happy I'm in their lives; that I'm their mom? Isn't it selfish to want to feel special and extremely selfish to act on that desire?

I know this probably seems silly and absurd, but I really do struggle with this, so much that I inadvertently sabotage and ruin Mothers' Day. Because of my inner battle, I make Hubby and kids miserable and the whole day turns into a nightmare. I always regret my actions and behaviors. I never want to make my kids feel horrible, especially on a holiday.

This Mothers' Day can probably go on the calendar as one of the worst ones for my family so far. Not because anyone was sick or injured, but because my kids'  mommy (me) turned her inner battle with wanting to feel special but not wanting to be selfish into an outward war. So after a tumultuous morning and early afternoon I finally decided to try doing something I wanted to do. I took the kids outside (which is always a bit risky with my health) and watched them play. I even joined in on the playing a little bit. I really enjoyed watching Hubby throwing the frisbee with Super Boy and giving the kids wagon rides and even helping Nugget "kick" the ball around. Even though I couldn't do much to play with them, it felt great to watch them play and make memories. As supper time neared, I took a big step. I decided what I wanted for supper and instead of following my usual behavior and wait for Hubby to read my mind or make a decision of what we should eat, I took Nugget with me and picked up dinner of my choosing. Then I even decided what we should do for the rest of the evening and stuck with my desires! I almost never do this.

The second half of our day was pretty cool and remarkably different from the first half. I ended up actually feeling good after I made a decision and did what I wanted to do. I didn't feel out of line or terribly selfish either. I hope I can keep this up. I really don't want my kids growing up to think they can't ever do anything  nice for themselves.